Dear Genghis,

I read online that due to your hundreds of wives and successful sons and brothers, you are estimated to have million of decedents.  Is that true big-daddy?

Randy in Oregon

Dear Randy
Those bitches are lying. If any one of the tens of thousands of temptresses who bundled me into the bed or onto the back of their slaughtered husbands told you that any subsequently born child was mine, they are lying. You have to understand that as a rich man, every girl who suddenly finds herself knocked up is “certain” that I’m the father. Whether they be the nuns of Khartoum; the Sabine ladies of the Khwarizmi, or one of the hundred of virgins sent to me as tribute, I assure you I have no need to “do the right thing” because those brats aren’t even mine, nor their uncounted legions of offspring. As Lord under Heaven, and master of the scepter and mace and bow, I tell you this with a straight face: I pulled out 244,000 times. I am assured that this always works. It is written in the Sutras. It is written in the Tao de Ching. It is written in the May issue of Cosmo. So it was written! So it was done!

Dear Genghis,

The American economy continues to suffer terribly. What should we be doing to put people back to work?

Unemployed in Minnesota

Dear Confused,

I have long awaited an opportunity to express my keen ideas concerning the economy. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I propose we eat poor children.

I have been assured by a very knowing economist of my acquaintance that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

But Genghis, you say, how does this help our economy? I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar’s child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers), rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten dollars for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I know well, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat. Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for oil executives, and summer boots for Wall Street bankers.

I can think of not one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for these United States of America alone, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.

I know my ideas are not popular, but I’ve never been on to side with an idea simply because it was popular. Your taboo against cannibalism is just another form of mob rule.

Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of regulating the mortgage industry like it had been for seven decades before 1998. Of limiting executive pay or making their salaries conditional to stock-holder approval. Of discarding deregulation as a cure-all. Of changing mark-to market valuation. Of not living beyond our means. Of not neglecting our infrastructure. Of no longer offering no-bid contracts. Of tax relief for the middle class.Of subsidies on yaks milk. Of limiting credit default swaps. Of protecting the Silk Road.

I would also like to note my sincerity in proposing this solution, as I have not a single child to sell or eat. I am motivated only by love of country.