Dear Genghis,

I have recently started hormone replacement therapy as I am a “woman of a certain age”. I have noticed that my moods have become unstable and it is starting to affect my personal relationships. Can you help me find a way to keep both me and my family happy during this difficult time?

Fifty-Something in Delaware

Dear Fifty-Something,

As an eight hundred-something myself, I know firsthand that aging is hard. Often you might find yourself wondering at time goes by: is the world changing, or is it just me? This can by trying, and when kids walk by with their clothes and their music, I suddenly feel very old. It’s as if they can hear something in that music that I cannot.

Yet I digress. Your problem seems to go beyond normal aging. It’s hormonal, and ye gods I do not envy women their hormones. You would not believe that things I’ve heard women say while in the throes of some “hormonal” problem. “You never listen,” is a common one. “You have no idea how many times you’ve made me cry,” is also popular. “Spare my children lives! I beg you!” is another one i hear all the time. Women!

My advice for you is to call upon those close to you, and gather them together. My wife recommends you serve herbal tea. (Relaxing and helps with the hormones.)

Burn incense to create an aura of calm, and maintain you’re composure at all times. You must make it clear to your loved ones that nothing will change the way you feel about them. If you seem distant or depressed, remember, it is not their fault, nor is it your fault. It’s no one’s fault and it’s important that they don’t take your changes in behavior personally.

Tell them that you have faith in them to understand that these changes you are going through are not due to any changes in your relationships with them, but are instead a natural part of woman’s life where she becomes possessed by the Hindu blood-godless Kali.

Explain that your participation in charity work encouraged the demon-slaying wife of Shiva to posses your mortal frame, and your inexplicable mood swings should be attributed to an unquenchable internal desire to flay living flesh from the still screaming bodies of the innocent. If your friends are really your friends, they will understand this desire as a natural and beautiful element of the aging process.

But to make your point, when one of your guests inevitably asks for more tea, you may wish to pop their eyeballs out with your thumbs.