Dear Genghis,
I’ve been reading all these new books about the keys to achievement. Most of them agree that it takes hours upon hours of practice, 10,000 hours most of them say, before you get really good at something. I don’t have that kind of time! the Simpsons are funny again for gosh sakes! You’re a pretty successful guy. Do you know of any shortcuts to achievement?

Lazy in Long Island

Dear Lazy,
Don’t worry Lazy, in my experience, achievement does not exist. Everyone who is doing better than you has been coasting on inheritance, or dumb luck all this time. Those who are more athletic than you are on steroids, just read any sports magazine! Envious of other artists? More drugs! They are throwing their lives away. You are right to avoid taking such risks. Sure they seem successful now, but the price is too high. The only difference between you and seemingly more successful people is that you are unwilling to make the ill considered choices that others make.
For example, remember everyone who has ever scored higher on a test than yourself? Adderall my good friend! Naught but humble Adderall!
See a porn star with larger breasts/genitals than you? Well, as they say, the camera adds ten pounds….
Take me for example, I conquered most of Asia. Most causal observers and armchair generals might be tempted to attribute this to my peerless military genius and force-of-nature-like sense of predatory destiny, but they’d be fools to do so. What is my secret? No NutraSweet! That stuff is poison. Also, don’t eat for four hours before you go to bed, it packs on the pounds! (You may also want to consider ruthlessly crushing all that oppose you…)