Dear Khan San,

My boyfriend of the past few months and I have decided it’s time to become more serious and part of that means meeting each other’s family. He met my family and they fell in love with him on sight. They invite him out on trips and to go and eat and all kinds of nice things.

Now comes the hard part. His mother has always been the jealous type. He’s told me that any girl he’s ever brought around his mother’s scared off because she wants to keep her son all for herself. She has to control him! I have yet to meet her, but eventually I’m going to have to. My boyfriend reluctantly told me that she refers to me as ‘the prostitute’ instead of by my name. I’m going to school and working, trying to generally be a good person.

I’m a nice girl Khan San. How should I approach her to change her mind about me?

Distressed in New York

Dear Distressed,

First let me say that the title of “San” does not apply to me. Though I enjoy your fumbling attempts at respect, “san” is a Japanese term which roughly translates to “the honorable”, or in your western mongrel-tongue: “Mr.” I would, of course, enjoy this title if my nephew Kublai had managed to prosecute his invasion of Japan correctly. But, my little grandson, fucktard that he was, allowed a little wind to scuttle his armada. This divine storm, or Kamikaze as the Japs call it, is better known to you in the form of a spicy sushi roll, and is better known to your grandparents as “what killed Johnny.”

With that out of the way, we may now address your problem of too many hens and not enough cocks. I’m sorry if that’s a double entendre in your language, it is not in mine. The first thing you should communicate to this woman is that you share more than simply her son. You share her love for her son. Of course you understand her feelings; you know he’s a great guy too. Think about your own protective feelings for him and feel sympathy for this woman; you may be able to find another man in your life with little effort, but can she? There is, however, reason to be optimistic, she refers to you as “the prostitute.” By referring to by your profession, she has shown her respect for your professionalism. No doubt she is angered that her son spends the allowance she gives him on whores, but the fact you attend a school to improve your lovemaking skills and maintain a work-ethic licking assholes should impress her. You also claim to be a “nice” girl, and that is good. “Nice” is a good angle for a cocksucker such as yourself. Pretending to be virginal and naive has proved more successful a tactic than attacking with Calvary from the rear.

Wait.

Please don’t tell me your one of those whores who auctions off her virginity just to turn around and auction it off again and again? Do you know how many times I have pointed my triumphant digit at Ebay (my finger usually), exuberant that I had just won another “Hannah Montana Box Set unopened” only to find out my “prize” was just the same prostitute as last time only with her hair in pigtails?

Where is the honor? I don’t care how expensive community college is, that is just dishonest.

Your type makes me sick.