Dear Genghis, you seem pretty spry for a guy your age, what do you eat to stay so young and healthy?

Jim in the US of A

Dear Jim

Hamburgers of course. You may think this an inappropriate answer, but that’s only because your ignorance rivals that of a fetal pig. You see, I invented the hamburger.

Don’t believe me?

You see, like most things that are known to be explicitly American, such as football (British Rugby), apple pie (Dutch), and hotdogs (German), hamburgers are really European. German to be precise (a hamburger is a steak served in the style of hamburg, just as a “hot dog” is really a Frankfurter) German immigrants had the idea of putting these steaks between two slices of bread so they could be sold from carts to people going to work.

Protip: The Germans also invented work.

Of course, the idea of grinding beef and mixing it with onions wasn’t invented by the Germans. We taught our distant Hun cousins how to lacerate beef to make it more tender. My peoples influence reached Germany and they took up this practice. The Germans, however, being pussys, do not eat it raw as we do. The French have that honor, calling it steak tartar, or steak of the Tatars, a tribe for which we are often mistaken due to the swine-akin lack of knowledge I mentioned earlier.

Now, at least my Chinese subjects correctly identify my dish as Mongolian beef, even if they do engage in the barbaric practice of “cooking” their food before eating it.

So there you have it, another way in which I am responsible for your whole culture, and you ingrates had no idea I’m sure. At some future date, i will explain how invented the carburetor, Rock and Roll, and sunshine.